3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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