well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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