I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
