I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
