You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
