Don't make out with my wife yet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
