I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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