took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My bed smells like the plague
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
