Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
