Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
