i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
