so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
we should paint friendship bongs
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
