I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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