Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
