You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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