you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
