So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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