looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
