Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
