i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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