just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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