i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm having to shit out rocks
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