New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
