I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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