Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Two words: blizzard sex
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
