i was born a porn star she said
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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