i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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