quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
