in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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