We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
