Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
