I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
