I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
