Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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