life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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