Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They took my balls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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