DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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