idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Randomize
