I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I have tasted many bathrooms
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
