I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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