TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
