just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
