Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
