Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
