I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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