I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
