i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
