My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
