think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
