i think my tv is drunk
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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