The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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