im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
