im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
