as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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